Going into my first video crit today, I realized I’ve been struggling to write this story and wasn’t not sure why until my studio visit with Michael last week. A majority of my work, even in undergrad, dealt with physicality in some extent. I was popped into sports really young because I literally couldn’t sit still. After the first accident, I was stuck in my body and spent a lot of time trying to work that out. I pick up things like bookbinding or printmaking or weaving just to help with the tremors in my hands. Because the act of doing something physically quiets me. I use the body in my work primarily because I disconnect from my own body to not deal with the pain issues.

Which leads me to my dilemma. Writing out the cards last semester was physical: everything felt like it was rushing out of me and I created them in an aggressive manner trying to keep up with the words flying through my mind. Writing out this story to turn into something resembling a film is passive. Or at least it feels passive to me. I even went and purchased obnoxious bellbottom pants to try and get me into the right mental state, but I’m stuck right now because everything is intangible. I can’t touch it to connect with it and I’m trying to figure out a way to bring some sort of physicality to the work whether that means I have to be on both sides of the camera again or if I need to go hike another 500 miles to get my head on straight.

While that part of my project seems to be the most stressful, I’m kind of proud of the small video experiments I’ve completed so far, or at least I don’t fully hate them so I’ll go with calling that pride. We’ll see how it goes and where the next steps forward should be. And maybe the issue of the missing physicality can be figured out. I’m cautiously optimistic.

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