What does it mean to make work about pain when the very act of creating it is painful? Have you ever stopped to consider your body? The thousands of systems and messages pulsing throughout that make you move, think, be. Have you ever stopped to consider what would happen when your body became foreign, painful, a prison to be perpetually broken out of just to get yourself out of bed to pee. As a maker, have you ever thought about what it would mean to have the very part of your body you truly create with start to break down? For most people, its a stretch. The idea of your body turning on you and sending spam messages to your neurological pathways is something out of the ordinary. We take for granted the ways in which we move, what our bodies can truly do. For someone in my position, I don’t get to take these small things for granted. I have to think in order to move. Wince and force in order to use my dominant arm. I usually kind of toss it back into its socket and hope it doesn’t pop out again while I’m cutting each piece. Doesn’t particularly last very long as a result of my fibromyalgia and CRPS. So I make work about pain that creates pain with each cut or hanging because the reality that I may one day no longer to make that particular kind of work hangs over my head.
From birth til death, our bodies are covered in fabric, so much so that we no longer think about the myriad of ways it surrounds us. We’re wrapped after we leave the womb and wrapped when we depart this world. Its so commonplace that the idea of transforming it became a need. A desire. A burning matched only by the burning of my skin as my nerves misfire.
I spent a chunk of the break with this idea that I was going to do a thousand iterations, to really start to figure out how all of this comes together. I did some, but the action of repeatedly going up and down and hanging and detaching and rehanging was too much for my body to handle. So I sat with each small change. Only to have Jo-Ey come in my studio, see the pieces hanging backlit on a line, and made me wonder if the work could exist in some way like that. Truthfully, its the easiest of all the iterations I’ve done. And I think it’s the most beautiful. I don’t know what exactly I want out of this particular crit mainly because by the time seminar rolls around in the day I am seven levels deep in this never ending flair up and completely useless as a human. I want to know how this feels. If stalling the activation through hanging on a line can also mimic the ways in which the neurological breakdown of the body occurs. If the pieces need to be fully in the air, casting shadows and taking up a large amount of space. If I’m too stuck in my own body to allow the viewer in or if the piece can be entered into from multiple perspectives and bodies.
Crit #1 (Current iteration):
For those curious about the symptoms of fibromyalgia (and why I’ve been away from myself as its gotten worse over the last few months), here’s a handy little thing. The worst for me is my allodynia as it makes it hard for people to even hug me or touch me and my hyperalgesia since that’s like perpetually living with the volume turned up to 11.
It began with a breath, or lack thereof. It was seven years since my father’s last breath, this quiet death that I stared at for what must have been forever. I spent most of the spring semester exploring that breath through video, photographs of bedscapes, and finally- weaving. Weaving became meditative. I focused my breath in as paper weft crossed paper warp. I became aware of my breath out as I felt the image glide through my hands. The act of weaving felt like a creative release: I was focused, motivated to keep my hands moving to watch the image come to life, enthralled by what happens mentally and physically when you slow down your practice. It felt like a universe was blooming inside of me and my hands were struggling to catch up. Through my studio practice into the present, I will be exploring the neurological breakdown of the body through the process of weaving. The warp is the body while the weft the neurological system. I want to explore what that looks like visually. Throughout the year, I am hoping to answer some of the following questions:
- How can I weave together a narrative?
- What is it about the act of weaving that calls to me?
- Can I construct the image itself through the weaving process without having to rely on the photographic image?
- How can I push my weavings to expand in both form and content?
- Does my work have to exist on a wall or can it be brought out into other spaces?
- What is my personal balance between control and letting loose?
- How can I push the breakdown of the body by channeling different diseases or methodologies in my weavings?
- How important is it to me that my audience its seeing something representational of what I’m seeing?
- Can I create a body of work that bridges the perceived difference between fine art and craft?
- Why does there need to be a distinction between fine art and craft in the first place?
- Can a breakdown be a breakthrough?
- Can I make art about the body without the body being noticeably present?
- What can I make in the space that pain (mental and physical) occupies?
- How can I create an intimate space through the hanging/instillation of the warp pieces?
- Can I reference weaving without having to utilize the weft?
- How does light and shadow play a role in the work? What do the different tonal qualities of the lightbulbs (daylight, warm, and cool) create visually?
As I have moved forward this semester, I have narrowed down my research topics and decided to focus on utilizing only paper backed fabric (ranging from silks, rayon, and cotton varieties) to form a series of hanging warps. My use of fabric is intentional: when cutting each piece, frays begin to form along the warp lines functioning as a metaphor for frayed or damaged nerves. By maintaining stiff edging along the top and bottom, I am making reference to my Spring 2018 project that revolved around aspects of the bed as place of life and death. I have been trying to create size variations in the cutting of each warp as well as frankensteining the cutting mistakes in order to reference the surgical aspects of my health journey.
Currently, I am planning on hanging each of the pieces from the ceiling via clear fishing line. I have not decided if I want to attempt weaving the fishing line as it goes up towards the ceiling or if keeping them hanging simple is my best bet. One of my biggest challenges to date has been finding the proper rigging points for the pieces within the MFA spaces. Last year, I helped Anita install her woven pieces which gave me insight into how the gallery space could work as well as allowing me to troubleshoot potential hanging problems. I am hoping to determine whether or not I will have to create my own rig to hang the pieces or if I can get away with what is already present in the gallery. Based on my initial iterations, there are two specific spaces that I would be able to hang in: the side room where Anita and Erica showed last semester and the atrium where Young-Mi was. If I remember correctly, the gallery has beams that can be installed to add additional rigging spaces.
I’ve been playing around with different modes of instillation and while I feel good about the latest iteration for a final crit, I had a dream last night that it was hung in a tall giant mass that cascaded down to the floor from the gallery ceiling. Unfortunately, I don’t have the space to test the idea out (and also don’t have the proper contact points for the current iteration) but it’s something to work on as the piece continues to grow.
Ever since I purchased this tiny lil loom, I’ve been in love. I really like playing with textures and banging out little pieces that have absolutely nothing to do with my thesis project
I’ve been thinking about the body- about my body and the things it does without my permission like shake or buckle. I’ve been thinking about my father’s body- the Lewy Body Dementia removing his ability to think or create. I’ve been struggling to find balance and gave in to the flow over the last few weeks. I felt like I was rushing to get things finished for this critique only to get things up and realize how far I’ve come in this project. I’m still playing, still testing, and keeping myself open to however things want to be created. I’ve been thinking about writing and how I haven’t done much of it lately. I miss my words, the way in which I know how to best communicate whats deep inside. Moving forward, I’m just going to allow things to happen. To see where the image stands in this current body of work and if its needed. To bring back the written and see what occurs when its dissected then left for others to read.
I kind of like working randomly on weaving right now. It’s helping me to stay focused and determine where the large piece may be going
I’ve been trying to give myself a few days distance from the crit to try and get some thoughts down on paper. While there were definitely a few helpful things brought up, trying to present initial research while seeking specific feedback in this first crit was impossible under how it was run. It felt rather like a giant participation awards ceremony. I needed more in order to determine how I am pushing forward and just having everything come across as positive and warm-fuzzies nice didn’t allow me to strike the proper balance.
I’ve been sitting with my piece since it first went up on Wednesday, sitting further since it was popped up to get it out of the way in my studio. I’m trying to answer the questions that weren’t able to be brought up while looking over the notes Grace was kind enough to take for me. It makes me wonder what could have happened if I had just presented it as a research PowerPoint which was my original plan. I busted that mock up out in 25 hours because I hate PowerPoints and thought a visual idea present while I asked would have been more helpful. What would have happened had I had access to my original rigging points and didn’t feel pressured to add another element in to try and create the visual balance I was looking for with my original rigging spot? What could have occurred had I been able to ask the pointed questions during the crit instead of having to run around afterwards grabbing anyone who would talk to me to get to the bottom of things?
I keep coming back to this idea: I’m not trying to be an art critic, I’m trying to learn how to be critical of my work. Maybe I’ll meditate on that instead of ruminating on the lost opportunity; focus on the parts that were actually helpful instead of feeling like the whole encounter was a giant hug fest instead of the intense crit I was looking for and used to.
There is something weirdly satisfying about this being white on white
But this isn’t going as slowly as working with weaving actual images together (also, while the backs are the same white, the fronts are so far just off enough that I am a bit pissy about it; probably won’t annoy me once it’s done but still)
I’m currently in a material testing phase of my thesis where I get to play and see what’s going to happen. First test will be paper and fabric and let me just say: I don’t think I like weaving with fabric. At least not yet. I have to create a variation of a loom or some sort of support for myself because fabric has way too much give. Like, a frustrating amount of give. Maybe it’s because I have gotten so used to working with paper (photo or otherwise) but it’s 9am and the struggle is real
I’ve been thinking of them as two sides of the same coin. The light one reminds me of the neurological breakdown of Parkinson’s while this one had me thinking of Lewy Body Dementia as I wove it.
Matte and semi-gloss paper this is going to turn out really beautiful I think